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UCLA
and the Ghetto School
A Trojan grad and a Bruin grad were on death row. The
warden came to them to ask them if they had any last requests. The Trojan said,
“I’d just like to hear ‘Conquest’ one last time.” When the warden asked the
Bruin what his last request was, he replied, “kill me first.”
==============================
The ‘SC Fan
A first grade teacher tells her class that she is an ‘SC fan. She asks her
students to raise their hands if they, too, are ‘SC fans. Everyone in the class
raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Janie, why didn’t you
raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not an ‘SC fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Then who are you a fan of?”
“I am a UCLA fan, and proud of it,” Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Janie, why pray tell are you a UCLA
fan?”
“Because my mom is a UCLA fan, and my dad is a UCLA fan, so I’m a UCLA fan too!”
“Well,” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for
you to be a UCLA fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the
time. What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, what would you be
then?”
“Then,” Janie smiled, “I’d be an ‘SC fan.”
==============================
USC Graduation
Graduation had finally come to the USC campus. The sun was shining, and families
and friends flooded Alumni Park for the ceremonies. The soon-to-be graduates
were feeling good about themselves. They had survived four tough academic years
as Trojans, and they were ready to conquer the world.
As the ceremony began, President Steven Sample took the microphone, “A few
minutes ago, as the faculty and I were assembling outside Bovard Administration
Building, we came to the conclusion that it would be an embarrassment to send
you students out into the real world without knowing that you learned at least
one thing at USC. So unless your valedictorian can answer the following
question, you will all need to stay at USC another year.”
The students fell silent as the valedictorian, slowly stood up and approached
President Sample. “The question is, What is 2 + 2?” You could hear a pin drop as
the valedictorian timidly answered, “4?”
The students began to whisper, inaudibly to one another; until finally, the
whispers grew into a chant:
“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!…”
==============================
The Wish
A Trojan fan and a Bruin fan were fighting over a lantern when suddenly a genie
appeared. The genie said, “If you two will stop fighting, I will give each of
you one wish.” The genie turned to the Trojan and asked, “What is your wish?”
The Trojan thought for a moment and then said, “I want a huge wall, 150 feet
tall all the way around USC to protect our heritage. Make it so no one can get
in or out, especially any of those Bruins!” The genie blinked his eyes, nodded
his head and the Trojan’s wish came true.
Turning to the Bruin, the genie asked, “Now what is your wish?” With a huge
ear-to-ear grin on his face, the Bruin replied, “Fill it with water.”
USC Library
Did you hear the library at USC burned down?
They lost both books, and one hadn’t even been colored in yet.
Oink Oink!
Did you hear the story about the semi truck carrying pigs that flipped over on
the USC campus?
The officials had to check ID’s before letting anyone back on board.
==============================
Guy in a Bar
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, “Wanna hear a USC
joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should
know something. I’m 6’ tall, 200 lbs., and I’m a USC graduate. The guy sitting
next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a USC graduate. The fella next to him
is 6’5” tall, weighs 250, and he’s a USC graduate. Now, you still wanna tell
that joke?”
The first guy replies: “Naw, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
==============================
USC Football
Members of the USC football team were placed in a remedial English class.
“Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics,” the
professor explained. “Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?” All of the
players raised their hands. “The appeal!” they all shouted with pride.
==============================
The Contractor
A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they walked
through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the
bedroom she said, “I think this would be nice in a cream.” The contractor stuck
his head out of the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” This perplexed the
woman. They moved to the living room and she said, “I would love rose in this
area.” Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE
UP!” Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into
the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be “a glorious
shade of mauve.” Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled, “GREEN
SIDE UP!” Finally she could not stand this anymore. “What are you shouting GREEN
SIDE UP out of every window of this house?” He replied, “I’m sorry. I have a
crew of USC students laying sod across the street.”
==============================
Q and A
Q: What are the best four years of a Trojan’s life? A: Third grade.
Q: How long does it take a USC football player to run the 40-yard dash? A: I
don’t know. After the sixth yard they get tired of climbing over the fences.
Q: What’s the difference between a USC cheerleader and a bag of trash? A: The
trash gets taken out more often!
Q. Why did the USC Trojans get excited when they finished a jig-saw puzzle in
six months? A: Because the box said “4 - 6 Years”
Q: How come the USC football team doesn’t have a Web site? A: They can’t string
three “W’s” together.
Q: Why should the USC football team change its name to the “Opossums”? A:
Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
Q: How many USC freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: None—it’s a
second year course.
Q: What does a Trojan and a bottle of beer have in common? A: They’re both empty
from the neck up.
Q: Why doesn’t USC have ice on the sidelines? A: The guy with the recipe
graduated.
Q: What do you get when you drive slowly by the USC campus? A: A degree.
Q: What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and USC fans? A: Eventually
puppies grow up and stop whining.
Q: What does the average USC player get on his SAT’s? A: Drool.
Q: What do you call a person from USC in a three-piece suit? A: The defendant
Q: How do you get a USC graduate off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do USC students put their report cards in their car windows? A: So they
can get the handicap spot.
==============================
Top Ten Reasons Why You’d Rather Be a Bruin than a Trojan
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Your fight song has more than three notes.
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Your mascot doesn’t take a dump on the field.
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Your tuition doesn’t equal the national debt of most
third world countries.
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None of your cheerleaders are named Buffy or Candie.
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Bruins need more than one hand to count their Nobel
Prize winners.
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Your football highlights are in color unlike USC’s
which are black and white.
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Your basketball team doesn’t think a fast break is a
chance to get some water.
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Your band doesn’t dress in an emulation of decadent
imperial arrogance.
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1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998.
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No one named “O.J.” ever played for UCLA.
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